Ramblings of a Midwest Woman

As this new decade begins, I can say for certain that I will never be the same person I was in the last decade.  The 2010s brought a lot of changes for me as a grew from a teenager into a true adult. This past decade saw me graduate high school, go to two different colleges, get married, graduate from college, move to Minnesota, become a teacher, buy a house, adopt three dogs, and bring our new beautiful son into this world. I conquered my PCOS infertility and had an extremely healthy pregnancy beyond what I ever thought was possible. I am so proud of my body for that despite its many flaws. The great things about this decade are easy for me to pick out, and my blessings certainly have been abundant. I am thankful for all of these things, most especially my husband and my son, Jamie (James officially). However, the last ten years were full of struggles as well. First off, becoming an adult is one of the hardest things to do. The future seems so uncertain, and often, I felt terrif...

Life has been busy lately. School is back in full force, which I love and am exhausted by at the same time, especially since this week was Homecoming. If there is one thing my school knows how to do, it is definitely Homecoming, which is awesome for the students and exhausting for the teachers. Now that I am very very pregnant, I just want to lay down and nap. Currently, I am mostly through my 33rd week of pregnancy, and it feels like a blessing to be here. With all the stress of infertility, conceiving, and wondering if this pregnancy (our only pregnancy) would progress, it is amazing to know we are in the home stretch - our final countdown. I don't really feel stressed, but I do wonder if I have everything I need for our baby to come home and to take care of him. As far as feeding and whatnot, I know I'll have to figure it out as I go. The baby care class we took was so long ago that I know I don't remember everything they told us to do. We'll figure it out, right...

So let's catch up a bit, shall we? I mean since the school year ended, I haven't been writing on here at all, but instead been enjoying my time off with family and ignoring reality as best I can. I mean, do I really have to go back to work? Yeah, yeah, I know I do, but it's nice to not think about it for a while. However, now I need to get back into the groove with things, including planning for a new grade that I will be teaching. Woohoo! Let's bring on new challenges at work and a baby all in one school year. I've always been an overachiever, so I guess this was probably inevitable in some way. For example, the summer Brett and I got married, I took three classes, worked a job, got our first dog, and planned our wedding. People called me crazy, but I had a wonderful wedding, aced all of those classes, and made it through. This year will be tough, but somehow I'll muddle through. In my effort to ignore the passing summer and work-related activities, I'v...

Every morning during the week lately, I wake up at 2:00 AM and cannot go back to sleep. I try laying there in the dark, trying to get comfortable, but after an hour or so, I give up and usually play with my phone or read. Last night, I read until almost five in the morning because no matter what I did, I could not get back to sleep which is odd since it took me until 11 o'clock PM to actually fall asleep, meaning I am running on little sleep, and I am so so tired right now. I don't know what it is about two in the morning, but it's like an alarm goes off in my head, and suddenly, I am awake. Then, my mind begins to race. Sometimes it's real worries that are going through my head. Other times, it is nonsense such as movies or random songs I haven't heard in ages. They play in my head like a record turntable, going around and around, as I try to make it stop in the darkness. Today, my head aches. Partially, it is from lack of sleep, but part of it is also that my ...

The end of the school year is coming fast; I still have a million things to grade and do, and I feel like there is not enough time no matter what this summer for me to prepare for next year, the baby, and relax some as well. It feels overwhelming, and just thinking about it leaves me exhausted at times. We have appointments and family trips and conferences and planning and painting and so on and so forth. Get the picture? I feel like this is how most parents probably feel day in and day out, but with the change in hours next year with going to full-time teaching and the drastic change in schedule I'm to have, things seem uncertain and a bit scary. I know change can be great, but it also is a lot of hard work, and so I'm going to have to work even harder than I do now. 7th grade will be a monumental challenge next year since I'm going to have a 75-minute class instead of 45 minutes. What a drastic change! I think it will be for the best, but that can be a long time wit...

I keep having these vivid dreams where I'm back in my hometown, seeing people long gone, and spending time in their houses. But when I wake up, they're gone, and I feel the loss of them all over. I can feel my visceral need to be in those places, with their familiar smells and furniture, but realistically, all those places are gone. My grandparents are gone. My favorite aunt is gone. I'm getting ready to hopefully bring life into this world, and all of my closest extended family aren't here for me to share it with. Last night, I dreamed of my Aunt Becky's house: the massive attic that I loved exploring, the back porch with the extra refrigerator and washer and dryer, the soft, overstuffed couches that I slept in so many mornings, and the smell of the blankets I wrapped myself in. Even after all this time, six years this December, I still miss her. I miss that she never judged me but always clearly cared for me. Her soft, understanding eyes would smile at me each...

I know I said I'd wait to get excited until the first trimester was over, but at eleven weeks today, I am so excited that it's hard to contain. Realistically, there are many things that could still go wrong, but it's possible that this pregnancy could come to term, and it's possible that this baby could be healthy. Therefore...I did something... Something I said I wouldn't do...I started buying things. With garage sale season starting up, I couldn't help but look for baby items. I already found a few different things including a wooden toy box, a glider, and a playpen. Since I started collecting things (I swear only a few things!) I wanted to rearrange the bedrooms to make the office into the nursery. This meant I had to get rid of a large, wood executive desk we had put in there. We had to find a place to move the treadmill plus all the other stuff we had in there. Now, the guest bedroom has a small bookshelf in it along with our computer and a smaller ...

As time moves along, I am beginning to really think - this is real. I am going to be a mom. Honestly, I wasn't sure I would even get this far (currently 10 weeks), but with how well things are going, I think I'm going to be okay. My nausea is lessening. I haven't thrown up yet! And I can handle sore boobs and back all day long; I mean dealing with chronic pain kind of prepared me for this is some ways, not all I'm sure. I've learned that eating like I am a little kid again is what helps me control my nausea and that a lot of the foods I normally love sound absolutely disgusting. Is a pizza Lunchable the most healthy thing I could eat? No, but it settles with my stomach so judge me all you want world. I've also become a huge fan of lower sugar Capri Suns, No Sugar Added fruit cups, yogurt, and crackers. Crackers are amazing when your stomach hurts. I have found I like the Club crackers with cheese in the center. See what I mean about eating like a little kid? ...

I am angry. Not consumed by rage, but that mix of angry, disappointed, and sad that makes a person feel like utter shit. If you have read other posts on this blog, you know how I feel about my pregnancy, and since no one really reads it, it's still mostly a secret. I only told a couple of people, and I trusted those people to keep their mouths shut until I wanted to announce it to everyone about our hopeful baby-to-be. But instead, I got a phone call last night from my mother asking how her sister already knew out it. My mom said my aunt heard from it from my husband's aunt, who we are not close to by the way, and she was afraid people close to us would find out from others. What I wanted to know was how the heck did Brett's aunt know? I didn't tell them, and everyone I told was sworn to secrecy because we don't even know if the pregnancy is viable. We are not through the first trimester, and even though things can happen later on, I would be more comfortable sh...

We made it. It's the end of another week, and this weekend, I have all to myself! Oh the things I am going to do: nap, nap again, make food, take another nap, take a ridiculously long bath, clean my house, and nap one more time for good measure.  I need to enjoy my time while I can because soon it will not be my own, but then again, will I care? I'm sure I will in some parts. I'll miss sleeping and taking baths. I'll miss being to go do what I want when I want, but I'll also have finally gotten what we have worked so hard for. I am going to keep my optimism that this baby is coming until I'm faced with a reality that says otherwise. I mean, we've gotten this far, and that's a miracle for me and my body. Isn't it possible we could go all the way?  I want this so badly.  I know next year is going to be hectic, but I think I can make it through if I really try. It'll be the biggest challenge I've ever face - going full-time and becomi...

It's weird this sigh of relief I have. This week is calm. No more speech practices; no more 12-hour Saturday tournaments; it's just me and my work, which I have a good handle on. My students are working on stories in 9th grade, and my upperclassmen are writing as well, which means this week isn't stressful whatsoever, and that feels fantastic to say. I'll finally get to go home right after work instead of being here until 6 o'clock. I'm ready to be at home, clean stuff out, and get ready for what comes next. The next couple of weeks are full of exciting stuff. Next Friday, I have my first prenatal ultrasound which I hope is full of good news. Then Saturday, we are having the end-of-speech-season party at our house, so I'll need to cook, clean, and prepare. And then on Sunday, it's Brett's birthday, and I need to make sure I make him something special. I really need to start looking at recipes. The next week after that is just as busy if not more ...

Time in this first trimester seems to go by so slowly. It inches along, and all I want it to do is speed up because I can't help but feel worried. I wasn't worried or scared until my doctor told me I didn't need to take my metformin any longer.  But I've heard it helps prevent miscarriage? Doesn't it also help prevent gestational diabetes?  So, now I don't know what to do, and I'd really like to talk to a doctor to comfort my serious fears. It's taken three years for us to get pregnant this ONE time, and I am terrified I will lose it because of high blood sugar, stress, low progesterone, PCOS, or any of the other things that aren't quite right with my body. This is my miracle, and I need it to stay with me. I want this baby.  I hate that I feel so nervous, but we haven't had it as easy as many of the couples I know who just seem to breeze through conception and pregnancy. I know people who have struggled, but I acknowledge that, but I ...

I am so stupidly happy! I am 5 weeks pregnant, and my HCG levels are increasing like they should, which is exciting. Any sign that things are going right makes me feel overjoyed. I set up my ultrasound today for April 12 at 1:15 down at Rochester Mayo Clinic. I hope by then everything is still going well. I'm trying to do everything as right as possible (except I had a smoothie this morning that had more sugar than I thought in it. No more of those for me !). My appointment with the psychiatric nurse went well today. Amy got goosebumps when I told her I was pregnant, and she will see me again in two months since I'm doing so well. She said as my pregnancy progresses I may need to up my dose of Zoloft to compensate for the extra blood flow in my body. It feels great to have all these doctors on my team, and I hope together we can bring a beautiful, little one into this world that looks like Brett and I. They also took my blood pressure today, and it was great! 113 over 80 wh...

As I've previously written about on here, Brett and I have been trying to conceive a baby for almost three years. This has included many doctors appointments, blood tests, ultrasounds, shots, pills, surgeries, and super fun diets that I tried. I felt like I tried everything, and yet nothing worked. Each month I would message my doctors to tell them that it was cycle day 1, and they would tell me to take a pregnancy test just in case. I never did because when my cycle starts, it's clear I'm not pregnant. But today, I am! Three days ago on Saturday morning, I took a pregnancy test. It was 6:30 in the morning, and I woke up to use the restroom, still groggy and half-asleep, but I knew if I was going to take a test that day, it needed to be first thing in the morning. I took a test the Tuesday prior, but it was negative, and I had pretty much given up hope that we had conceived this cycle. But still, I felt different. This whole month had been different. First of all, I a...

My students are currently working on descriptive essays in Creative Writing, where they focus on their favorite food and the memories they have associated with it. We end up calling these essays their "food and family" essays because that is what's at the heart of it. As we talk about food and the people we love, I felt inspired to create one of my own as an example. Here is my own "food and family" essay:               Growing up, I always identified with my mom’s side of the family more than my dad’s. It seemed to have more culture and traditions that I wanted to learn and carry on. I don’t why I had this desire to learn family history, but that yearning still continues today.               My Grandma Rose’s side is Czechoslovakian, which we always called Bohemian. My grandma could speak a little Czech, and the recipes and foods she made were clearly influenced by Eastern E...

I've been struggling a lot this past year. I'm pretty sure I've always suffered from depression and anxiety; at least, I have ever since I can remember. I'm not sure when it started. There was the summer I went to three funerals. I think I was eight or nine, and within a month, three people I knew died: my uncle, my grandfather, and my sister's friend. I don't remember my parents talking to me or trying to help guide me that summer. I had never been to a funeral before, and all this death made me feel odd. I remember going back to school feeling different. Kids would play at recess, and I would sit there on the sidelines by myself. I wanted to be left alone.  I remember always hating recess. There was too much pressure. Find a friend. Play an activity. Be fun and friendly! Even in elementary school, these things didn't come to me naturally as they seemed to with other kids. I didn't have a group of friends. Playing kickball or any type of "sport...

Yesterday sucked. That may not be the most elegant statement I have ever made, but it sums up how my day went. It absolutely and utterly sucked. Every month that Brett and I undergo fertility treatment I must get an ultrasound to determine if the medications worked and if and when we should try to procreate.  (Sidenote: Brett and I have been trying to have kids for almost three years, but we have only had medical assistance since November 2017. See this post  for more info about this journey this far.) These ultrasounds are internal, and if you are a lady, you know those type of tests, the ones inside of our lady parts, are the least comfortable. I've had these tests done multiple times, but what they have noticed every since my surgery last January, where they removed my swollen left fallopian tube, is one of my ovaries is hard to visualize. My left ovary hides, and I have been asked more than once if I had it removed. No, I haven't. I have both my ovaries, just one tube....

The past couple of weeks my mood improved overall. I felt less anxious and was even smiling and laughing now and then at work. Fake-smiling is something I do every day, but now and then, my real smile will creep across my face, usually because of a few awesome students I know. But then today, the day after meeting my therapist, I feel like crap. It isn't the worst I have felt this past month, but I am tired, emotional, distracted, and either spacing out or near tears. It's taking me minutes to write this sentence because my brain is out in left-field. Little thoughts are consuming me, and most of them are inconsequential, but many are connected to a serious, internal debate I keep having with myself about whether or not I need  kids in my future. Here's what has been on the turntable this morning. Do I need kids to be happy? What would I do with my life if I didn't have children? Won't I just die alone if something happened to Brett? Who would take care of us wh...

Today is my first therapy appointment, and I am a mix of emotions. I feel nervous about it, and I keep questioning whether or not I really need this, but I want to be better, and this is a step in the right direction. Or at least, I'm going to keep telling myself that until I feel it is true. My anxiety whispers sweet nothings. It's a merry-go-round of the usual that I don't need this or that I can't afford it. People throw the word "anxiety" around a lot lately I notice. I see on a bunch of internet memes, and I am always torn. On one hand, I am glad that people are becoming more and more aware of mental health issues. On the other hand, not all anxiety is debilitating, and there is a clear difference. Every experiences some level of anxiety at certain points. We are human after all. We are prone to feel nervous about new experiences or the unknown. Now, I can't speak for others who are burdened by their anxiety, but I can tell you how mine feels. It...

It's a brand new year, and as per usual, the proclamations of "new year, new me" are all over my Facebook page. I get it. This is why we end the year with self-indulgence. Screw it. Start that new diet on New Years Day. Perfect timing, right? Eat all those cookies and have that extra drink because everything will change soon, and sometimes it does, at least for a little while. This is why I hate New Year's Resolutions. They feel like lies, and they are convincing lies we tell ourselves. Yet, in my personal experience, they just don't seem to stick. Just a few minutes ago, I saw a blog post of mine from 2014 where I was going to diet and lose weight because I weighed 235. Well, guess what? I still weigh 235. I never stuck to any of those resolutions because I felt tired and lacked motivation. In the end, I just didn't want it that badly. Which brings me to my problem...I'm kind of on a diet, and hopefully, I'll lose weight. Saying those words makes ...