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Trying to Stay Calm!

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Time in this first trimester seems to go by so slowly. It inches along, and all I want it to do is speed up because I can't help but feel worried. I wasn't worried or scared until my doctor told me I didn't need to take my metformin any longer. 

But I've heard it helps prevent miscarriage? Doesn't it also help prevent gestational diabetes? 

So, now I don't know what to do, and I'd really like to talk to a doctor to comfort my serious fears. It's taken three years for us to get pregnant this ONE time, and I am terrified I will lose it because of high blood sugar, stress, low progesterone, PCOS, or any of the other things that aren't quite right with my body. This is my miracle, and I need it to stay with me. I want this baby. 

I hate that I feel so nervous, but we haven't had it as easy as many of the couples I know who just seem to breeze through conception and pregnancy. I know people who have struggled, but I acknowledge that, but I can't help but feel envious of those who don't. 

I am so thankful for my body's capability right now, and I want to believe that I can carry a child to term. I can make a healthy human, right? What makes me doubt my ability is the slew of health-related diagnoses I've had in the past couple of years: PCOS, endometriosis, swollen fallopian tube, polyp inside my uterus, insulin resistance, and fatty liver disease. Almost all of it goes back to PCOS, and if you read online, people will swear that if you give up dairy and gluten and sugar and any normal sort of food that we can beat PCOS. However, I cannot live like that forever. I love food too much in all of its various forms, and I do try to eat pretty healthily despite what my weight and hormones say. Again, thanks PCOS. You've helped make me obese as well. Woooo!

I am so happy, but at the same time, I am extremely anxious. Could something go right for once? I want to stop waiting for the other shoe to drop; I've never been very good at that even though I have a blessed life. It's not perfect, but we get by and make the most out of it. 

I'm waiting to start actually getting excited because I'm not supposed to; it's too early. But I want to start thinking of baby names, buying furniture and books, and I want to start planning for what I hope will be our future. But if I do, and it all goes away, I will be devastated. This balancing act is really difficult. 

I made the mistake of googling "going off metformin for pregnancy", and I read comment after comment about miscarriages around the 8th-12th-week mark. Just reading those words raises my pulse and makes my head hurt. This is all so new; could it possibly be over just as fast? 

I don't know who reads these posts, but I know a couple people have been, and all I can say is, if you're out there, I would love some words of encouragement. 

I'm a PCOS fat chick; I can do this, right? 
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