Ramblings of a Midwest Woman

Yesterday, I could feel the spiraling get out of control. My apathy was overtaking me, and at some points, I just wanted to give up. My head hurt, and I'm frustrated with my lack of control over my mental illness. However, when I woke up today, other than my left eye hurting for unexplained reasons, I felt slightly better. I'll take it. My chest still hurts and focusing is a challenge, but I don't feel like I'm spinning. It may not be much, but it's something, and that's all I really want is just a break. Really that's all! Tomorrow, I go to the airport to head to Canada, and its surreal. I haven't made a list or packed. I feel exhausted and have many things to do before I can even head home. How is this going to happen? I know somehow I will get my butt on that plane, and once I do, I'll be happy and proud and excited to see my family. I'll still worry about Brett (that shit never ends), but it will be good. Please be good. All I have ...

It's pretty obvious this time of year is a mix of emotions for me. I look forward to Christmas and the holiday season, but winter is also long and dark. Outside of that, this year reminds me of a lot; last year, Brett and I were just starting our infertility journey, looking at possible surgery. A year later not much has changed except I'm missing a part of my reproductive system. While I watch others my age become pregnant or give birth to their second child, I feel stuck. This time of year is also when my favorite aunt passed. It happened unexpectedly five years ago when I was in my kitchen, making holiday goodies for our families. Brett and I had little money as newlywed college students, so we decided to make homemade goody baskets: candied pecans, chocolate-covered pretzels, and candy cane hot chocolate mix. The air smelled of peppermint as I bashed candy canes with a hammer; it felt like the holidays. When my cell phone rang, I knew by the tone in my mother's voic...

I know how terrible social media is. It eats up hours of time and gets nothing done. I like seeing what people post, staying up-to-date on people I possibly care about or was once interested in because it fills the time and distracts me from my thoughts. Though scrolling through Facebook is something to do, (and I do it often), I often find myself hiding posts, unfollowing people, or closing the app out altogether because no matter what time of year it is there is some kind of outrage on the internet. Sometimes the things people are upset about are things that matter, like the dumpster fire that is I.C.E. currently or the idiotic things our orangutan in charge is trying to put into effect. I get that. But some things, I just don't care about. Sure, the lyrics to "Baby It's Cold Outside" are problematic, but they have always been, and I feel most of us have known that for a long time. Yeah, it's a bit rapey. Kind of obvious, isn't it? This is just one exa...

Christmas is a season filled with joy, right? I mean there are the gifts, food, time with family and friends, and yet, I'm not sure how to feel this year. My anxiety is still fighting me, but nevertheless, I love this time of year: the lights, the music, and the fun. Yet, as I grow older, the holidays fill me with mixed feelings - a excited giddiness and a terrible sadness. There are no family Christmases, and even though I get the gift of spending Christmas in Canada with my sister, my husband will be at home. The holidays can be hard on anyone, but I'd have to say they are especially difficult for those who are lonely this season. I think I'm afflicted with chronic loneliness. Sounds a bit like a disease, doesn't it? I mean other than my truly wonderful husband (can't emphasize that enough or I will be plagued with self-afflicted guilt) we don't have many friends we spend time with outside of work. As much as everyone complains about the six Christmases ...

The last month or so has been a challenge, to say the least. There are reasons I could list (and that list would go on for a while I assure you), but I'll mention only one here today - bringing a new puppy home. Penny has been a challenge. She would pee and poop on the floor without hesitation. She never ever tells us when she has to go outside, so we just take her every hour when we are home. She also would cry all night long. I even went to the store to buy earplugs to muffle the sound. I had picked out a pair when Brett said another pair would be stronger and work better. Being sleep deprived, I believed him bought the more expensive pair of earplugs. Of course, they said filtered on them, so they let some sound through. They were not effective. She also gets aggressive about bones and toys and has bitten every single one of my dogs. They have all bled, including her. The smallest and oldest dog, Baxter, is taking the longest to adjust because he clearly cannot fight bac...

I am angry. I say this because I rarely feel angry. My emotions usually range from lethargic to depressive, yet lately, I cannot seem to shake this feeling of irritability and almost rage. The warm, sharp feelings reside in my gut just below my heart which feels shaky with anxiety. This is not hyperbolic; this is actually how I have felt for weeks now. I've tried taking a bath, reading, sleeping (which never works, good sleep is a myth), and writing. I even tried some drinking; then I just felt like crap. I want to throw things across the room and scream at the top of my lungs, but I can't. I'm an adult, and I am a wife and teacher. I want to do those things, but honestly, deep down I don't want to hurt those around me, and anger cuts and slashes the people it hits. Or it burns. Then, if for a brief moment I don't feel angry, I want to cry and sob. Extreme dichotomies are my life now, and I cannot stand it. I am trying to use healthy coping skills for the most...