As the Beatles once sang, "Help!"

I am angry.

I say this because I rarely feel angry. My emotions usually range from lethargic to depressive, yet lately, I cannot seem to shake this feeling of irritability and almost rage. The warm, sharp feelings reside in my gut just below my heart which feels shaky with anxiety. This is not hyperbolic; this is actually how I have felt for weeks now.

I've tried taking a bath, reading, sleeping (which never works, good sleep is a myth), and writing. I even tried some drinking; then I just felt like crap. I want to throw things across the room and scream at the top of my lungs, but I can't. I'm an adult, and I am a wife and teacher. I want to do those things, but honestly, deep down I don't want to hurt those around me, and anger cuts and slashes the people it hits. Or it burns.

Then, if for a brief moment I don't feel angry, I want to cry and sob. Extreme dichotomies are my life now, and I cannot stand it. I am trying to use healthy coping skills for the most part, but I feel like I am drowning. I'm starting to get worried.

Is my anxiety getting worse? Is this all just from stress? Do I need to be medicated?

I've never been on medications for my depression or anxiety, and since Brett and I are trying to conceive, right now seems like a bad time to go see a doctor about it.

I feel so lost. I just feel helpless at this moment. And here come the tears...

I can't even concentrate enough to write this well. I keep getting distracted in my own head, whereas usually, the words come shooting out of me, demanding to be written down. Afterward, there is a relief of sorts, and I almost always feel better. I was hoping this would help the perhaps putting thoughts down would help me organize them and allow me to focus, but my concentration is fleeting and my desire to be here is nil. I don't want to be at work or at home. I don't want to be anywhere.

Maybe that is the most telling thing of all.

Comments

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Ramblings of a Midwest Woman

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