Ramblings of a Midwest Woman

Yesterday, I could feel the spiraling get out of control. My apathy was overtaking me, and at some points, I just wanted to give up. My head hurt, and I'm frustrated with my lack of control over my mental illness. However, when I woke up today, other than my left eye hurting for unexplained reasons, I felt slightly better. I'll take it. My chest still hurts and focusing is a challenge, but I don't feel like I'm spinning. It may not be much, but it's something, and that's all I really want is just a break. Really that's all! Tomorrow, I go to the airport to head to Canada, and its surreal. I haven't made a list or packed. I feel exhausted and have many things to do before I can even head home. How is this going to happen? I know somehow I will get my butt on that plane, and once I do, I'll be happy and proud and excited to see my family. I'll still worry about Brett (that shit never ends), but it will be good. Please be good. All I have ...

It's pretty obvious this time of year is a mix of emotions for me. I look forward to Christmas and the holiday season, but winter is also long and dark. Outside of that, this year reminds me of a lot; last year, Brett and I were just starting our infertility journey, looking at possible surgery. A year later not much has changed except I'm missing a part of my reproductive system. While I watch others my age become pregnant or give birth to their second child, I feel stuck. This time of year is also when my favorite aunt passed. It happened unexpectedly five years ago when I was in my kitchen, making holiday goodies for our families. Brett and I had little money as newlywed college students, so we decided to make homemade goody baskets: candied pecans, chocolate-covered pretzels, and candy cane hot chocolate mix. The air smelled of peppermint as I bashed candy canes with a hammer; it felt like the holidays. When my cell phone rang, I knew by the tone in my mother's voic...

I know how terrible social media is. It eats up hours of time and gets nothing done. I like seeing what people post, staying up-to-date on people I possibly care about or was once interested in because it fills the time and distracts me from my thoughts. Though scrolling through Facebook is something to do, (and I do it often), I often find myself hiding posts, unfollowing people, or closing the app out altogether because no matter what time of year it is there is some kind of outrage on the internet. Sometimes the things people are upset about are things that matter, like the dumpster fire that is I.C.E. currently or the idiotic things our orangutan in charge is trying to put into effect. I get that. But some things, I just don't care about. Sure, the lyrics to "Baby It's Cold Outside" are problematic, but they have always been, and I feel most of us have known that for a long time. Yeah, it's a bit rapey. Kind of obvious, isn't it? This is just one exa...

Christmas is a season filled with joy, right? I mean there are the gifts, food, time with family and friends, and yet, I'm not sure how to feel this year. My anxiety is still fighting me, but nevertheless, I love this time of year: the lights, the music, and the fun. Yet, as I grow older, the holidays fill me with mixed feelings - a excited giddiness and a terrible sadness. There are no family Christmases, and even though I get the gift of spending Christmas in Canada with my sister, my husband will be at home. The holidays can be hard on anyone, but I'd have to say they are especially difficult for those who are lonely this season. I think I'm afflicted with chronic loneliness. Sounds a bit like a disease, doesn't it? I mean other than my truly wonderful husband (can't emphasize that enough or I will be plagued with self-afflicted guilt) we don't have many friends we spend time with outside of work. As much as everyone complains about the six Christmases ...

The last month or so has been a challenge, to say the least. There are reasons I could list (and that list would go on for a while I assure you), but I'll mention only one here today - bringing a new puppy home. Penny has been a challenge. She would pee and poop on the floor without hesitation. She never ever tells us when she has to go outside, so we just take her every hour when we are home. She also would cry all night long. I even went to the store to buy earplugs to muffle the sound. I had picked out a pair when Brett said another pair would be stronger and work better. Being sleep deprived, I believed him bought the more expensive pair of earplugs. Of course, they said filtered on them, so they let some sound through. They were not effective. She also gets aggressive about bones and toys and has bitten every single one of my dogs. They have all bled, including her. The smallest and oldest dog, Baxter, is taking the longest to adjust because he clearly cannot fight bac...

I am angry. I say this because I rarely feel angry. My emotions usually range from lethargic to depressive, yet lately, I cannot seem to shake this feeling of irritability and almost rage. The warm, sharp feelings reside in my gut just below my heart which feels shaky with anxiety. This is not hyperbolic; this is actually how I have felt for weeks now. I've tried taking a bath, reading, sleeping (which never works, good sleep is a myth), and writing. I even tried some drinking; then I just felt like crap. I want to throw things across the room and scream at the top of my lungs, but I can't. I'm an adult, and I am a wife and teacher. I want to do those things, but honestly, deep down I don't want to hurt those around me, and anger cuts and slashes the people it hits. Or it burns. Then, if for a brief moment I don't feel angry, I want to cry and sob. Extreme dichotomies are my life now, and I cannot stand it. I am trying to use healthy coping skills for the most...

This week has been a rollercoaster of ups and downs; from energy to lack thereof and back again, I am happy to finally feel level at the end of the week. Brett and I are back on the baby-trying train, and so this was my first week back on the fertility meds - letrazole. Last time I started this particular medication I was so foggy that I back into a brick pole and put a nice large dent into our new red Subaru Outback. It's still there by the way. That happened when I started taking just 2.5 mg of the stuff, and this time we started with double - 5 mg of ovary-stimulating chemicals. Instead of one to two days of fog, I was out of it this entire week until yesterday when I could feel my body finally adjust. Until then, my brain felt heavy, slushing around in my head, barely able to concentrate on the smallest details. Then with the new puppy crying in the night, I added exhaustion onto the drug-induced madness. Let's just say I wasn't the nicest person this week with whic...

Bringing a new dog home presents many challenges, and Penny is a 55 lb challenge. After the first night with her, I was terrified. She had already bit my smallest dog and seemed almost uncontrollable. My anxiety thrummed throughout my body; my heart raced all through the night. All I could think was, "What the fuck did I get myself into?" I'm a teacher and speech team season is beginning. Brett and I are getting ready to restart fertility treatments. Things were so calm before. What are we doing? But then I see these moments with Penny, where I know she could be a really good dog with time, training, and patience. The last one I struggle with sometimes. Even on day two, she is already showing improvement as she adjusts to her new routine. She is going into her crate, and I was surprised how well she did with her first time on a gentle lead. Seriously, those things are lifesavers. I would highly recommend them for anyone with a large dog. Is she crazy and hyper...

" Speak to me When all you got to keep is strong Move along, move along like I know you do And even when your hope is gone Move along, move along just to make it through"  - The All-American Rejects "Move Along" As I was driving to work this morning, I put in CD after CD into my player, trying to find the soundtrack to my morning. I'm not very high-tech, and instead of paying for Spotify without ads or rather use some other streaming service, I buy albums to listen to in my car. Some of these are albums from when I first started to discover my own taste in music. Others I purchase for $2 at the thrift store. I'll never forget the first time I purchased a CD of my own. It was Good Charlotte's The Chronicles of Life and Death . Maybe not the best album in the world, but I was in junior high; my own emo roots just starting to show. Within a couple of years, I would have a case full of CDs with bands such as My Chemical Romance, The Used, Cartel, Th...

It's official. I've become the crazy dog lady! I know my in-laws thought two dogs was too many, but now we are reaching the legal limit in the town that we live. We are going to have a third dog. Her name is Angel (though we are probably going to change that since it sounds a bit like a stripper's name); she is a beautiful, large puppy from our local humane society. I found her through my hours of mindless scrolling on social media, usually Facebook, and I saw a new dog our humane society had posted. It wasn't her actually. It was this beautiful husky. I wanted him. I love dogs, but certain dogs are just gorgeous beyond belief: st. bernards, corgis, and huskies. I'm sure there are more I could add to that list, but those are my favorites. However, I never have taken home a purebred dog. I buy Mutts from shelters because I just want to do good in this world, and adopting pets makes me feel superior to those who are picky about their dogs. It may not be right, b...

Here we go starting the cycle up again: doctors' appointments, possible surgeries, injections, pills, and the list goes on. It's the cycle of infertility and the treatments that go with it. I have PCOS, also known as polycystic ovarian syndrome, which is a hormone disorder that comes with a plethora of symptoms. Hair Loss Obesity Infertility Missed Periods Acne Hirsutism (also known as having hair where we don't want it, like my goddam face) Depression Insulin Resistance and Diabetes I'm sure there are more on this list, but these are the basics, and they all suck. I've been diagnosed with PCOS for about a year now, and at first, it was overwhelming. There was so much to learn about the disorder, and it explained why I have never gotten pregnant with my husband, why it is near impossible to lose weight, and other crap I've dealt with for years.  After the diagnosis, I had multiple tests done, ultrasounds and blood tests. Each time it was more...

As the days grow short, the changing of the season is here. I love fall, but it is also a reminder that soon winter will be here, locking me inside my house, and making daily drives an anxiety-filled endeavor. I can drive through snow, but I never enjoy it. I hate feeling out of control, the car sliding down the hills I live on. The rain this morning reminded me of that. I'm never really sure if this feeling is due to the weather or other things - that nagging feeling behind my eyes that signals sadness and fatigue. Depression. A yearly on-and-off battle that I go back and forth on. I'm high-functioning. I go to work, shower, and do most of the things I should, and yet there is always this feeling that I'm not really here. Even now, I'm biding the hours until I can return to my soft bed. Loneliness contributes to this feeling, I believe. My husband has been on nights for weeks, and I tend to feel healthier when I have company. It's a catch-22 lately - the desire...

Have you seen the news coverage? Flip on the television, look on any social media site, and right now, you will see the story of Dr. Christine Ford and Brett Kavanaugh displayed across headlines. Honestly, I can barely bring myself to read any article because it makes me sick to my stomach. I don't know if I can face the horrid details. Why? I am a survivor.  A little over 7 years ago, something happened to me, and to this day, I can barely speak about or write about it. Today, I am going to try. The word rape brings tears to my eyes, and for the longest time, I never used that word. Instead... I blamed myself.  Whether or not you believe Dr. Ford personally, we have a terrible history of not believing women in this country. We paint them as fame-hungry, hysterical creatures who have ulterior motives rather than vulnerable, scared people, who are just trying to do the right thing.  I never reported what happened to me. There is no point now. The ev...

Keto. Paleo. Whole 30. Low Carb. Shakeology. Each time I walk into our small, windowless lounge for lunch, all I hear is the talk of diets. I understand that we are eating food, and so at times, we will talk about the pieces of nourishment that we decide to ingest and perhaps also, the reasons why we picked those particular foods. But every day? Really? It's not just at my current job I've noticed this ritual. I've worked at retail stores, factories, restaurants, and now at a school as a teacher, and it is always the same. The men eat by themselves away from the women who converse about their eating habits. "I love Keto. I just always felt like I was in a fog, and now, what a difference!" "I've lost 30 pounds since July, and I haven't done anything different." "I'm eating these shakes every day because I need to lose a few pounds. After having our last kid, I just can't seem to get rid of these last ten pounds or ...

First off, welcome to my blog. In the past, I've blogged for many reasons, sharing recipes, and expressing myself, but now I am anonymously blogging for myself. There are many reasons I've decided to be anonymous. 1. My social media is filled with coworkers, my boss, family, acquaintances, and friends, making me feel like I cannot express myself whatsoever except in that way that offends or challenges nothing. I don't try to offend people, but it tends to happen if I voice an opinion whatsoever. 2. My job is in the public service sector. I am a high school teacher which means everything I do is subject to scrutiny. I must behave myself in public, including in the online world. 3. I live to write, and if I don't express myself, I will die or explode. 4. I am an opinionated woman, and in most sectors, I feel women can voice their stories but not without retribution. The world is always trying to quiet us, and I face that in my surroundings. So there you have it....