Hello Darkness My Old Friend

As the days grow short, the changing of the season is here. I love fall, but it is also a reminder that soon winter will be here, locking me inside my house, and making daily drives an anxiety-filled endeavor. I can drive through snow, but I never enjoy it. I hate feeling out of control, the car sliding down the hills I live on. The rain this morning reminded me of that.

I'm never really sure if this feeling is due to the weather or other things - that nagging feeling behind my eyes that signals sadness and fatigue. Depression. A yearly on-and-off battle that I go back and forth on. I'm high-functioning. I go to work, shower, and do most of the things I should, and yet there is always this feeling that I'm not really here. Even now, I'm biding the hours until I can return to my soft bed.

Loneliness contributes to this feeling, I believe. My husband has been on nights for weeks, and I tend to feel healthier when I have company. It's a catch-22 lately - the desire to have my husband around because I'm lonely and the wish to have him gone so I can lay around and do absolutely nothing.

Today is Monday. I need the energy to greet my students and teach them effectively. But I don't know if I have it in me today to perform all day. The news, weather, and loneliness have created a mental storm that has left me bereft of drive. Honestly, the news has left me angry and empty simultaneously. I'm not sure how that is even possible, but there it is.

The world will always have its problems and injustices, and every day we uncover more as we criticize and examine our histories. That's natural. Yet it feels hopeless and depressing. It's depressing that people who I love or am related to can be such monsters at times. It's depressing that people can't understand why women don't report the things that happen to them. It's depressing that people of color and women have to keep educating the world while the white majority is complacent.

In other words, I hate depression. It makes me sad.

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Ramblings of a Midwest Woman

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