Ramblings of a Midwest Woman

Yesterday sucked. That may not be the most elegant statement I have ever made, but it sums up how my day went. It absolutely and utterly sucked. Every month that Brett and I undergo fertility treatment I must get an ultrasound to determine if the medications worked and if and when we should try to procreate.  (Sidenote: Brett and I have been trying to have kids for almost three years, but we have only had medical assistance since November 2017. See this post  for more info about this journey this far.) These ultrasounds are internal, and if you are a lady, you know those type of tests, the ones inside of our lady parts, are the least comfortable. I've had these tests done multiple times, but what they have noticed every since my surgery last January, where they removed my swollen left fallopian tube, is one of my ovaries is hard to visualize. My left ovary hides, and I have been asked more than once if I had it removed. No, I haven't. I have both my ovaries, just one tube....

The past couple of weeks my mood improved overall. I felt less anxious and was even smiling and laughing now and then at work. Fake-smiling is something I do every day, but now and then, my real smile will creep across my face, usually because of a few awesome students I know. But then today, the day after meeting my therapist, I feel like crap. It isn't the worst I have felt this past month, but I am tired, emotional, distracted, and either spacing out or near tears. It's taking me minutes to write this sentence because my brain is out in left-field. Little thoughts are consuming me, and most of them are inconsequential, but many are connected to a serious, internal debate I keep having with myself about whether or not I need  kids in my future. Here's what has been on the turntable this morning. Do I need kids to be happy? What would I do with my life if I didn't have children? Won't I just die alone if something happened to Brett? Who would take care of us wh...

Today is my first therapy appointment, and I am a mix of emotions. I feel nervous about it, and I keep questioning whether or not I really need this, but I want to be better, and this is a step in the right direction. Or at least, I'm going to keep telling myself that until I feel it is true. My anxiety whispers sweet nothings. It's a merry-go-round of the usual that I don't need this or that I can't afford it. People throw the word "anxiety" around a lot lately I notice. I see on a bunch of internet memes, and I am always torn. On one hand, I am glad that people are becoming more and more aware of mental health issues. On the other hand, not all anxiety is debilitating, and there is a clear difference. Every experiences some level of anxiety at certain points. We are human after all. We are prone to feel nervous about new experiences or the unknown. Now, I can't speak for others who are burdened by their anxiety, but I can tell you how mine feels. It...

It's a brand new year, and as per usual, the proclamations of "new year, new me" are all over my Facebook page. I get it. This is why we end the year with self-indulgence. Screw it. Start that new diet on New Years Day. Perfect timing, right? Eat all those cookies and have that extra drink because everything will change soon, and sometimes it does, at least for a little while. This is why I hate New Year's Resolutions. They feel like lies, and they are convincing lies we tell ourselves. Yet, in my personal experience, they just don't seem to stick. Just a few minutes ago, I saw a blog post of mine from 2014 where I was going to diet and lose weight because I weighed 235. Well, guess what? I still weigh 235. I never stuck to any of those resolutions because I felt tired and lacked motivation. In the end, I just didn't want it that badly. Which brings me to my problem...I'm kind of on a diet, and hopefully, I'll lose weight. Saying those words makes ...