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Bah Humbug

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Christmas is a season filled with joy, right?

I mean there are the gifts, food, time with family and friends, and yet, I'm not sure how to feel this year. My anxiety is still fighting me, but nevertheless, I love this time of year: the lights, the music, and the fun.

Yet, as I grow older, the holidays fill me with mixed feelings - a excited giddiness and a terrible sadness. There are no family Christmases, and even though I get the gift of spending Christmas in Canada with my sister, my husband will be at home. The holidays can be hard on anyone, but I'd have to say they are especially difficult for those who are lonely this season.

I think I'm afflicted with chronic loneliness. Sounds a bit like a disease, doesn't it? I mean other than my truly wonderful husband (can't emphasize that enough or I will be plagued with self-afflicted guilt) we don't have many friends we spend time with outside of work. As much as everyone complains about the six Christmases or so they have to go to, I feel like they secretly enjoy some of it. It keeps this cold time of year busy and joyous unless your family is terrible. If that is the case, I'm sorry. I get it.

We have no Christmases to go to this year, and ours will be like any other day. Food in front of the t.v. How exciting! I hope you can feel the dripping sarcasm pouring through the screen. We aren't really even buying presents; we don't have much money, so it's all kind of depressing really.

Normally, I am the whirlwind of holiday spirit, making goodies and singing Christmas songs. I decorated our whole house that no one sees but us. Even so, I feel tired and glum (what a proper word that is, I should use it more often). Going to work is about all the energy I can muster, and you can bet I have my students doing a lot of independent work this week. I know. Not the best week of teaching ever, but oh well.

I think it's because I always want things to be better than they turn out. I have these high expectations that holidays, not just Christmas, should be filled with fun, and often reality is not as exhilarating as I picture. It usually turns out alright, but I like to entertain, so the holidays should be my thing. If only I had people to entertain.

I'm excited to go my sister's house, especially to see the kids. I know they will be bigger and more mature than last time I saw them. They just grow up too fast. Living far away makes being a part of their lives difficult, and I wish I could do more with them. I envy people who have families like that.

Aside from seeing the kids, I have a bit of guilt because Brett will be alone for almost a week, and I know he will be stressed and lonely, not a good combination for him. He loves me so he wants me to go, but I wonder if he'll enjoy the alone time or hate it. I worry that he's not taking care of himself because he knows I've been so low. He has his own problems and work has been excessively stressful for him this past year. I wish I could be more supportive and helpful, but right now, we really just need to take care of ourselves and do the best we can to show our love to one another.

Tis the season?
Bah humbug.
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