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This is My Brain on Drugs

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This week has been a rollercoaster of ups and downs; from energy to lack thereof and back again, I am happy to finally feel level at the end of the week.

Brett and I are back on the baby-trying train, and so this was my first week back on the fertility meds - letrazole. Last time I started this particular medication I was so foggy that I back into a brick pole and put a nice large dent into our new red Subaru Outback. It's still there by the way.

That happened when I started taking just 2.5 mg of the stuff, and this time we started with double - 5 mg of ovary-stimulating chemicals. Instead of one to two days of fog, I was out of it this entire week until yesterday when I could feel my body finally adjust. Until then, my brain felt heavy, slushing around in my head, barely able to concentrate on the smallest details. Then with the new puppy crying in the night, I added exhaustion onto the drug-induced madness. Let's just say I wasn't the nicest person this week with which to spend time.

I snapped at my husband, my students, and my pets, craving rest and sleep more than anything else. Phone calls with my sister were filled with long silences because I could barely remember the things she said or come up with appropriate responses. I feel like I've been just saying "uh huh...yeah I understand" and "oh I'm so sorry" in every conversation regardless of what is said. Just shake my head and nod and no one will notice that I'm not really home in here. Right?

My cure to exhaustion the last few days has been coffee. Lots and lots of coffee, which I know is not the healthiest solution, but those lattes full of extra espresso have been the only thing that has made me feel remotely human lately. Right now, I want to dance and sing, enjoying the high caffeine has given me. I know I will crash in the coming hours, but as for now... I'm going to sing until the bell rings, signaling the incoming students and the official start to my day. God, I wish I didn't have to work today. I am burnt out.

Hopefully, this all will result in children for Brett and me, but I've been so tired and stressed, I keep thinking that there is no way we are going to get pregnant. What comes so easily for many of my coworkers seems like an impossibility for us.

People always say relax. Relax and it will happen. Umm...hello, I'm a teacher dealing with infertility, and I for some crazy reason decided to get a new dog. Also, my speech team season is getting ready to begin so there will be no relaxing ever. EVER! Maybe I'll get some down time over our Thanksgiving break next week. I hope so at least.

If this seems like a rambling of words without much organization (and it kind of does to me), then that reflects my life this week, and how I just cannot seem to shake this fog and focus on what I need because this is my brains on drugs.

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