As this new decade begins, I can say for certain that I will never be the same person I was in the last decade. The 2010s brought a lot of changes for me as a grew from a teenager into a true adult. This past decade saw me graduate high school, go to two different colleges, get married, graduate from college, move to Minnesota, become a teacher, buy a house, adopt three dogs, and bring our new beautiful son into this world. I conquered my PCOS infertility and had an extremely healthy pregnancy beyond what I ever thought was possible. I am so proud of my body for that despite its many flaws. The great things about this decade are easy for me to pick out, and my blessings certainly have been abundant. I am thankful for all of these things, most especially my husband and my son, Jamie (James officially).
However, the last ten years were full of struggles as well. First off, becoming an adult is one of the hardest things to do. The future seems so uncertain, and often, I felt terrified. My parents split up and divorced during my early college years during an on-going trial of my father's that never seemed to end. It took him four years to be acquitted of the crime of which he was accused. That injury to our family and the divorce of my parents has never completely healed. Time doesn't really heal all wounds; some are too deep.
In addition, we lost a lot of wonderful people in my family on both sides. All of my grandparents are deceased (and I had six grandparents) and my favorite aunt, Becky Peterson. I still think about these people and often dream of them and their homes at night. Just the other night, I dreamt of my Grandpa Shepard and Grandma Lois and how their eyes would brighten when they would see my sister, Krista, and I. I miss them terribly, and becoming a parent makes my heart ache even more because I know how much they would have loved Jamie. I still want to share things with them, but I can't now. Grief is a long process, and I cherish the times I had with these wonderful people, and the ways they influenced my life. Even now, I cannot help but constantly think of my Grandma Rose because I now live in her home state. I wonder what she would think of me being up here in the Great North, and I ardently wish my husband, Brett, could have met her. Stories just don't do her personality justice.
I'm not here to complain about the bad things that have happened but rather acknowledge them. Many of them are a natural part of life. However, they are proof of the hardships I lived through. Another hardship was my personal struggle with my depression and anxiety, which took up a lot of the last ten years. It took a lot of personal courage and support from others, such as my husband and my sister, to seek help in therapy and medication. Otherwise, I may not be here.
So now, I look forward to a new year and a new decade, and I wonder what life has in store for my family and I. Often, I hear people ring in the New Year's with resolutions of all kinds, usually fitness-related, weight-related (ugh!), or a specific personal goal, but I don't really have one specific small goal this year but a large one that pertains to everything in my life hereafter because my life has changed entirely.
My goal is to be a good mom, wife, and take care of myself.
Over the years, I have told people around me that all I've ever wanted was to be happy. Even more so, to have a happy family, and oddly enough, those words spoken to the universe have come true for me. It took a lot of hard work, taking risks, and being brave, but I've carved out my little piece of happiness in this world. I am happy with myself, and I am happy with my life. This is not to boast, but to put these words down because for the longest time I never thought either one would be true. Somehow I made it here, and I'm glad to say I survived because, at times, surviving was all I could manage.
Life is a mixed bag of things, but even knowing that I look forward to what the next year and the next ten years will bring. By then, I'm sure I will be a different person and that my life will look very different, but different isn't always a bad thing. The hardest lesson to learn these past ten years was that I cannot control anything so I must embrace the changes that come with time. Sometimes it's a new place to live, sometimes it's adding a new role to my life - wife, teacher, mother - and sometimes it's accepting my body for its new shape and appearance after bringing a life into this world.
As Doctor Who once said, “The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don’t always soften the bad things, but vice versa, the bad things don’t always spoil the good things and make them unimportant.” (Season 5, "Vincent and The Doctor")
This I find to be true.
Lastly, Happy New Year everyone! I hope you add to your pile of good things in the upcoming year.
However, the last ten years were full of struggles as well. First off, becoming an adult is one of the hardest things to do. The future seems so uncertain, and often, I felt terrified. My parents split up and divorced during my early college years during an on-going trial of my father's that never seemed to end. It took him four years to be acquitted of the crime of which he was accused. That injury to our family and the divorce of my parents has never completely healed. Time doesn't really heal all wounds; some are too deep.
In addition, we lost a lot of wonderful people in my family on both sides. All of my grandparents are deceased (and I had six grandparents) and my favorite aunt, Becky Peterson. I still think about these people and often dream of them and their homes at night. Just the other night, I dreamt of my Grandpa Shepard and Grandma Lois and how their eyes would brighten when they would see my sister, Krista, and I. I miss them terribly, and becoming a parent makes my heart ache even more because I know how much they would have loved Jamie. I still want to share things with them, but I can't now. Grief is a long process, and I cherish the times I had with these wonderful people, and the ways they influenced my life. Even now, I cannot help but constantly think of my Grandma Rose because I now live in her home state. I wonder what she would think of me being up here in the Great North, and I ardently wish my husband, Brett, could have met her. Stories just don't do her personality justice.
I'm not here to complain about the bad things that have happened but rather acknowledge them. Many of them are a natural part of life. However, they are proof of the hardships I lived through. Another hardship was my personal struggle with my depression and anxiety, which took up a lot of the last ten years. It took a lot of personal courage and support from others, such as my husband and my sister, to seek help in therapy and medication. Otherwise, I may not be here.
So now, I look forward to a new year and a new decade, and I wonder what life has in store for my family and I. Often, I hear people ring in the New Year's with resolutions of all kinds, usually fitness-related, weight-related (ugh!), or a specific personal goal, but I don't really have one specific small goal this year but a large one that pertains to everything in my life hereafter because my life has changed entirely.
My goal is to be a good mom, wife, and take care of myself.
Over the years, I have told people around me that all I've ever wanted was to be happy. Even more so, to have a happy family, and oddly enough, those words spoken to the universe have come true for me. It took a lot of hard work, taking risks, and being brave, but I've carved out my little piece of happiness in this world. I am happy with myself, and I am happy with my life. This is not to boast, but to put these words down because for the longest time I never thought either one would be true. Somehow I made it here, and I'm glad to say I survived because, at times, surviving was all I could manage.
Life is a mixed bag of things, but even knowing that I look forward to what the next year and the next ten years will bring. By then, I'm sure I will be a different person and that my life will look very different, but different isn't always a bad thing. The hardest lesson to learn these past ten years was that I cannot control anything so I must embrace the changes that come with time. Sometimes it's a new place to live, sometimes it's adding a new role to my life - wife, teacher, mother - and sometimes it's accepting my body for its new shape and appearance after bringing a life into this world.
As Doctor Who once said, “The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don’t always soften the bad things, but vice versa, the bad things don’t always spoil the good things and make them unimportant.” (Season 5, "Vincent and The Doctor")
This I find to be true.
Lastly, Happy New Year everyone! I hope you add to your pile of good things in the upcoming year.
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