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I'm Going to Make It Through This Year...If It Kills Me

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Hello again,

Perhaps you are sick of the topic of mental health. I understand. I often, too, feel sick of dealing with my mental health. Unfortunately, I cannot break up with my depression or anxiety; my brain and I are committed to one another til' death do us part. As previously mentioned on this blog, I have been on a journey for almost ten years to improve my mental health. 

Ten years? 

Yes, it's been that long, and despite my struggles, it has genuinely improved over time. I'm more equipped to deal with new traumas, can identify signs that I need outside help, and have developed the fortitude to wait the feelings and thoughts out. Furthermore, I know not to trust everything my brain tells me is true. I take sertraline, which is an antidepressant that helps me deal with my irrational brain and think through things. 

I was doing better....but then, well 2020 happened, and like many others, this year has been a lot to deal with: pandemic, elections, job changes, and health worries. Personally, I've gone from being on maternity leave in the winter to coming back to work just before distance learning and the pandemic really overtook the United States. The summer felt off with my family and I travelling less to see extended family. Then, I returned to work to teach fully in-person, hybrid, and now, I am getting ready to move back to full-time distance learning which I know my students are worried about. I am too. 

Due to all these new stressors, I am finding that some of my coping skills have not been enough. I've been floundering these past two months. As stated in the title of this blog and sang by the wonderful band The Mountain Goats, "I am going to make it through this year if it kills me." Yes, I am struggling, but I have not given up. I will keep fighting for myself until I find what works for me during this trying time. 

I've been through worse.

I know this to be true. 

This does not mean that much of this year hasn't sucked. It has been hard and shitty. Yet, it's also been the first year of my son's life. Watching him grow and learn has been the most singular and special joy in my life. I constantly wonder if I have spent enough time with him, loved him enough, and done enough as his mother because work and life this year has taken so much out of me. It can be hard to prioritize when everything feels important and all-consuming. 

It's hard to prioritize when I feel like I'm drowning since nothing feels like it can give an inch. 

Despite the struggles, this week I stumbled upon two things that have been helping me very much. 

  1. Eating dinner at the kitchen table with my son and husband. 
  2. Taking a walk with my dogs by myself. 

The first change sounds simple, but for years, my husband and I have been eating dinner in front of the television. As a young child, I remember eating around a dinner table with my parents and sister. Yet, when my sister moved out to go to college, this routine stopped abruptly. I've thought about this many times and can never seem to be able to get this part of my life back. I want this routine for my son. 

Some things are easier said than done. 

We have only accomplished this task as a family twice this week. On those nights, I noticed a feeling of contentment because we talked and spent quality time together as a family without the distraction of television. Screens are incredibly hard to get away from nowadays, even when I know I should. 

Sometimes I’m starting to feel like the wife in Fahrenheit 451, being boxed in by the screens that are Millie’s entertainment and life. 

I’ve never appreciated and missed having the time to simply read more than now. 

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